I rolled over and along my entire abdominal area a sharp pain spread. It confirmed what I already wondered, we didn’t get pregnant this month.
Staring at the white wall across our bed I started to feel disappointed as I calculated another month to the already lengthy list of months we have been trying to grow our family.
Wanting more children was part of our plan. Darren especially wanted to have our children close together and we always talked about having at least three. It was fun to dream with him early on in our relationship and we thought God would fulfill a good request like ours. It came as a surprise to be where we are today.
I have loved being a mother to Garrett and count it a huge blessing. Recently he has started to connect how some of his friends have baby brothers or sisters. He began talking more about that and said he wanted one too. I told him it was definitely something to ask God for when we pray at night so now he does, and it does my heart good to hear his little voice asking God for a baby sister or brother.
As much as I long to have more children, I don’t want this present sadness to steal from the joy God has given. I don’t want to live month to month with my hand out to God anymore waiting for something else while forgetting what He has already given me.
I’m confident of His love for me and that this pain is not without purpose.
Even though the circumstances don’t make sense to me, I love being confident of those two truths.
During these two years I have not lost hope that God is working out something good. A stronger marriage, a closer family, a chance to be more grateful, and a deeper understanding of what so many other families have walked through or will walk through.
* * *
Parenting requires a constant giving of ourselves and that’s not always easy. As much as I love Garrett, sometimes I love myself even more. I like comfort and quiet, with space to think.
Little ones like to squeeze and push right against you and breathe in your face. They want attention for things like performances in the living room, time spent inside of huge blanket forts, or re-reading the same book three times in a row.
But when I get outside of myself, I know God has used motherhood to make me more like Christ. It has forced me to grow up in ways I didn’t realize I was immature in.
I thank God for planning out Garrett’s life and including him in our family because he has brought a tremendous amount of joy to our lives!
As I think about the person who has seen me daily through this very tough thing, it has me smiling . Darren has displayed patience, faithfulness, and understanding in a way that brings peace to a difficult situation. I’m glad we’ve been able to grow closer and I can truly say I love this guy more and more.
Going forward with this blog I have prayed that God would help me to strike a balance. I would like to update those who asked and others who are wondering why I haven’t been writing as much as before. I think that we’re turning a corner and it will be a little easier to write about other things now. It’s also the end of summer and our life slows down a bit, making more room for me to sit down and write.
I really do appreciate your comments, messages, and emails. It means a lot that you would take time to write-up your own story to share with me, or just simply tell me you are praying for me. Thank you!
To end with a less serious note..
I have browsed pinterest for decorating ideas for our home this Fall and the time spent on there really set me in the mood for Autumn. Anyone else itching for crisp air or are you still holding onto the last bit of warmth summer has to offer?
Until next time,
Ah, the process of becoming a mom…. One of the most rewarding times in my marriage was becoming a mom. For two years, we tried. I was on birth control for all of 2 years, and it really did a number on my ovaries. Multiple attempts, and failures….after a while, I pretty much decided that if God wants it, He’s gonna have to pave the way. Lo and behold, I became pregnant. I was achey for the first week or so, schedule a doctor’s appointment, told them the tests all came out positive (I took two…just because), and we were “go!”
The day for the appointment came and I received a call that it had to be rescheduled due to his being in delivery with not one, but several other moms. Me? I was fine with it, knew that sometime in the next several hours there would be happy moms and dads holding their brand new babies. Later that night, though, I started to feel awful. Gassy (which, if you know me, isn’t huge news) but with it came nausea and lower abdominal pain. Normally, this kind of thing cleared when whatever was in there “left the premises.” Not so, this time. The pain became bad enough that I had my husband take me to the ER, because my gut told me it just wasn’t right. After a couple of hours, I started to feel better, the doctor had checked some things, and he said I could go home for the night OR stay there in a room. I opted to go home. He felt I had a bit of gastritis, explaining all the symptoms. SO home I went.
Laid down and was uncomfortable all over again, just an hour later. I could barely walk to the bathroom, and it was worse going back to the bed — only a few feet from the door. Back to the hospital we went — the ER folks noticed my breathing had changed, my color went pale and something was NOT right. The doctor came in, did a paracentesis (needle placed up somewhere I’m not going to discuss here) and he said, “Well, you seem to have a ruptured tubal pregnancy.” Off I went to surgery, zip-zop, done by morning.
Here’s the blessing: I now knew I was able to get pregnant. So when I recovered and went back home several days later. I was beginning to feel back to my old self, and a couple months later, I once again gave it up to God. What I didn’t know was that I was already pregnant. Just 11 weeks, post-op. Doctor wasn’t very pleased about that, but he performed an ultrasound and made sure things were where they belonged. Next thing I knew, Kim was born.
One thing I will share with you, is that God NEVER fails. He sees to it that things are what they should be. If it is His will, you will have more children. My suggestion to you, though, is to let nature — and God — take its course. I have two wonderful children, you know one of them fairly well. (He’s a hoot….I envision your Garrett to be much like him when he grows up!) Kim and Mike have been my joy and my heart and my everything for the past 28 and 25 years. It’s hard to remember my life before they came along. Because of them, I made myself better, so that I was a better mom for them. Because of them, I get to claim them as two of the funniest people I know — and the like me back! LOL!
I’ve been praying for you, Laura. I’m praying that God will give you what your heart desires. You are an incredible mom, you are an incredible writer, and you are an inspiration to young women who take the time to know you. I have no doubt that you’ll be expecting a sibling for Garrett soon enough. For now, soak in Garrett’s life as it is now. You will have appreciated the time with him all the more when your young little one comes along. You and Darrin have it going on, as couples go. He’s a good man, he’s a great father, and he’s the husband God chose for you. Soak this time with him in, as well. Remember, the first few years, you two had times apart. Let this be your time together with him. As the time draws near for your family to grow, you’ll be thankful for this time with him and Garrett.
“To everything there is a season” Ecclesiastes 3:1
Pretty much covers it, with just those few words. Lean into Him until he changes the season.
Love you, Laura.
Gail B
Laura, maybe you are focusing too much on having anther child. Relax and let God take over. After all, he knows best. In the meantime I will pray for His Will to be done. I love reading your blogs.
I sure have missed your writings this summer but to be honest I have not had much time to read them either. I am itching for fall! We decked the house with autumn decor the day before school started…it’s kind of become a tradition. Though I will miss impromptu drives to the beach, I am ready for pumpkin everything with hot cider on the side! Praying for you Laura…thank you for keeping it honest.
Laura,
My dear cousin, whom I love so much. I am praying for you and know the pain of wanting another child and trying and trying. After Jessalynn, I had two miscarriages, one at three months and another one at 7 weeks. I finally let go and let God, and low and behold a couple years later God blessed us with Thomas. Hang in there Laura, as God does have a plan! Sending you hugs from Trempealeau