It’s taken me awhile to gather all of my thoughts but here they are.
After almost 3 years of trying to grow our family we finally gasped with joy when the pregnancy test read positive.
We celebrated. I hardly knew how to wait all those months until our baby would arrive safe in these arms. I thanked God over and over, told Him how full my heart was.
At the store I looked for a cute pair of baby socks but decided to wait until I could find something cuter. I couldn’t believe that finally these feet would stand in the baby isles again.
What beautiful moments those were.
We celebrated with family and decided to wait a little longer to share our happy news with everyone else.
Then one morning at 4am I woke up in terrible pain. I curled in and held my knees against my chest trying not to wake Darren. Later the blood came and as I searched hopeful stories, I knew this wasn’t right.
I cried in the bathroom.
No No No. Oh Lord, please no.
The pain continued to progress that day.
Trying to stay calm I called the nurse and she instructed me to head into the emergency room.
As I waited for Darren to get himself together I grabbed my journal and pen;
Tonight I don’t see the goodness of God in this and I’m so sorry for that….I’m going to be okay, I’m going to see the goodness of God in this pain but tonight i’m leaning into Him with eyes shut and cries pouring out. I can’t see anything.
We found the nearest emergency room. I placed the gown on and laid down on crinkly paper still hoping that my baby was going to be okay.
As the doctor returned each time she grew more gentle and finally came in and placed her hand on my knee as she confirmed our baby was gone.
I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t think. I was trying to be polite and assure the doctor that it was okay. .
Rising up I put my clothes back on and we slowly walked back to our car.
That was it. My sweet baby was gone.
* * *
My mother had me come to visit for a few days. I was loved well during my stay. That first night we sat in her craft room as she painted and I told her in tears how much I wanted this baby. The waves of emotion would come harder than I could have imagined.
It felt like a cruel joke.
I had learned how to trust God with infertility …but to be given a baby and then have it taken away was very different.
It’s still hard to gather my thoughts on this. I wanted an explanation for this loss but instead God has led me into a deeper understanding of Him and I have to tell you how much peace this has brought me.
With those closest to me I had shared through the tears how unloved I felt. It crushed me that God would allow such a strange and heartbreaking unfolding of His plan.
He stayed with me though.
Through flowers from friends, the tightest hugs i’ve ever received. With family and friends loving me incredibly well and giving me permission to hurt right in front of them, I could see where God was.
I wanted to see our baby grow through the years, more than I can put into words. It makes me sad that for whatever reason that wasn’t part of God’s plan.
Honestly there were moments when everything I held dear about the Lord seemed to be gone. When I could, this was the verse I preached to myself.
Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
It’s been difficult but I am trusting God in ways I didn’t before.
I decided to study the book of Job this last month and it’s been very painful to read. As much as I want to skip to the good part and ignore the suffering, i’m not. 
This book really shows the time of mourning, hurt, sorrow, and pain Job went through. I don’t have any clue why in my mind I had thought Job jumped back with praises for God. There was a lot of dialogue in between.
One more thing and then I’ll let you go!
This time has allowed me to see the gift of my boy all over again.
I have loved these 4 years with my son. I don’t want to take motherhood for granted because it’s a great gift from God.
Thank you for praying. I have appreciated your notes of encouragement too!
love,
Laura
When ever I’m going through a hard time I always tell myself a phrase and now I’ll say it to you:
“When you are at the bottom of a hole, you cant go any further down, so the only way left to go is up.”
I am sorry to hear about your lose.
Praying for you.
Laura sorry for your loss. I went through this when we first tried to conceive I had two miscarriages the first I was at home and blood poured as I walked across the kitchen I had to have a d&c and the second was when I went into work at my New job I wasn’t sure what to do as I just started and was covered in blood and has no-one there for me I also had to have a d&c for that one..both before in had my daughter. Through those times I slowly lost part of me to the point where not did I despise people whobyad children but those who got pregnant by ways that in a way wasn’t necessarily bad for example (16 or one night stand etc… I wAs healthy at non smoker non drinker physcsially there was no reason that should have stopped me from being able to conceive so I constanly asked myself “why me” we where ready to start a family and it was tAken away twice. Sadly the third time I was at a loss “what should I do?” I don’t want to be excited for them to be gone again… But I don’t want to jinx it by not being excited so in the beginning I just wasn’t sure. I had taken baby aspirin and folic acid plus the prenatal vitamin to help me carry this baby. Second trimester WE MADE IT relief fell over me still in the site afraid something would happen. I to those medicine up until 7 months few short months later I had to have an emergency c section but my beautiful baby girl was born. That day on I have never been so grateful for something in my heart but the other two still have a spot in my heart would they have been a boy or girl? All the thoughts race even though I did not carry them for long they were still there. So I carry a spot in my heart also for others who have been trying along time/can not carry. The feeling is not a good one but just know it does not make you any less of a women then any other lady with or without children!! Have faith and stay positive hope this short story helps a bit!!
Sometimes miscarriages are just mean…..we get all focused on having a child and forget there’s more to it than just “being a carrier.” When I had my tubal pregnancy, before Kim, I was reminded that pregnancies are far more complicated than I thought. I come from a family where miscarriages don’t generally occur, yet 2 of my sisters have suffered one each. I have a large family, lots of nieces and nephews – and yet, a tubal pregnancy was what I got first. Sometimes, it just feels mean. But, you looked at the right scriptures, the same as me, in fact, and I found comfort in those words. My ways are not His ways. And I learned to trust that IF I were to have children, it was completely in His hands. My daughter was born a year later, – totally worth the wait! And you’ve met my son – very much worth the wait. 😀
In time, you’re family is going to grow. In time.