I’m too prideful to show you photo evidence of the current state in which I sit. But not too prideful that I won’t describe it!

My two swollen feet are plopped up high on pillows and I’ve never seen ankles as big as this in my life and how can it be that they belong to me!? I am downing bottles of water and reflecting on a truly amazing weekend with sweet friends and an amazing God that I have been privileged to know in this life.

That sign reads IF:Gathering and it was this amazing conference we held at our church this weekend. Down in Texas they hosted the live conference and we were able to watch it here.

I had a blast pitching in where they needed help this last week and was blown away by a few of my friends that were really the brains behind our IF:Local. I have really creative and talented friends who spent themselves these last few weeks in order to pull this event together and God was honored for it.

I stood behind the book table this weekend and was among women I admire. I also kept taking a look at the books on our table by these amazing woman speaking at the conference. I love being around people who boldly proclaim Christ and what it means to really follow Him.

There was a lot to digest but it wasn’t too much that I didn’t hear from the Lord. I was soaking it all in.

I’m feeling brave and want to finally share something in my heart that has been really difficult to share with anyone. My husband actually called me out on this and it bugged me so much but I knew it was true. I think someone else probably has dealt with this as well and so I’m going to be vulnerable in order to link arms with that woman.

You guys, I have walked with God for a very long time. I don’t mean that in a snarky way.  It’s been an honor that God came and took hold of my heart at a young age and built my faith over the years. I have learned a lot about him that makes me long for nothing else but him.

When I miscarried last year I shared how devastating that was. I will never forget bleeding and being so angry and hurt by what God was letting happen. I wanted a baby for years and He blessed and then let this precious thing slip away. I am not trying to win the hardest story because I have heard much harder ones.

The thing is that I lost something during that time. God’s behavior changed in a way that I’d never experienced before in the two decades I knew Him. I had never known Him to allow something that painful in my life. I didn’t understand what He was allowing to happen.

When I discovered that we were pregnant again I didn’t even know how to process what should have been joy upon joy! I was terrified of the plans he would have for this child. What if I wasn’t going to be able to keep her either?

To put it in simple terms. I did not trust God anymore. 

The problem is that I am a girl who truly is crazy about her God.  But what do you do when your understanding of God changes? When you stop taking steps to where He is calling?

I became Jonah and ran away from where God called. I hid.

I let my heart turn bitter and cold. The crazy part is I didn’t even know that’s what was happening. I was simply keeping Christ at a distance and trying to fill up on my own but that just doesn’t work!

The part that really stinks to me is that I pretended everything was alright. I didn’t let anyone in that hurting place because I just didn’t want to burden anyone else.  I also have been pregnant which is an answer to prayer and I feared anyone judging me.

Shouldn’t she be thankful and happy!?
Is this girl one problem after the next? 

Do you know what I mean?

Well, you can’t pretend with Jesus. He sees everything.  You can’t love like Jesus when you have your arm out trying to keep him away. You can’t fake loving like Jesus which meant many relationships and situations in my life were suffering as a result.

I knew in my mind that He was good but what happened last year didn’t feel like He was good.

So I look back over these last months and see how my trust in Him is being rebuilt in a very healthy way. I think my position and perspective has allowed me to see Him more clearly and that is what I’m after. I want Jesus, not my version of Him.

I learned He isn’t about my safety and comfort. He is after growth and transformation which is really hard when you want Him to be all about those things!

He takes a little girl so in love and only He can keep pursuing her year after year. It’s incredible. It’s humbling and leads me to tears in that He isn’t pursuing a put together girl. He is after a wretched sinner who deserves nothing. He knows everything about me and the dirt and still He loved me to the point of death.

It’s a beautiful love and it releases me.

Last night I was reminded of the story of Jesus in the upper room, washing his disciples feet. How Peter pulled his dirty feet back from Christ who was about to wash them. He wouldn’t let him touch the filth as their Master.  I see myself in Peter in how much He loved God and hours later would deny knowing him. I mess up so badly sometimes and like Peter want to love God deeply.

Last night I prayed and was envisioning sticking out my dirty feet and having Jesus do what only He can. Only He can wash them. I can’t scrub the sin and grime away through trying to be better for Him.  No. I just can’t and that’s not the gospel of Jesus.

I can do nothing. He bends down and takes hold of our foot and as the water washes around our foot the dirt starts to disappear and we can know how loved we are by God.

Darren is not mine. Garrett and my sweet little girl are not mine to grip onto in fear of losing.  My health, safety and more are not mine to keep hold over. God has mapped out this life of mine and He might give or take away but He is good and I believe this more and more as I journey with Him.

I’m praying tonight for the woman who is having a hard time trusting God in her current situation.  That she would stop believing the lie that God is not good to her.

He sees you and loves you.

* * *

Thanks for letting me process that all out in writing!

This week I am really excited to share about last weekend when two of my friends planned a surprise baby shower! It’s a post that needs to be written another day with all the beautiful pictures added too! I can’t wait to share how God fleshed out His love in the people in my life. <3

 

Until next time,

Laura