For years I have dealt with loneliness in the most destructive ways. I won’t go into detail but my actions caused some serious consequences that were not fun to deal with. I turned to a lot of different things and people to comfort that void that was all open and raw.
Loneliness stemmed from a deep-rooted desire to understand who I was, being far from family and everything I knew, and this desire to be perfect in the eyes of all who looked on. For the last year I turned to food for comfort. I developed a binge eating disorder.
I’d wake up in the morning with one thought on my mind, ‘food’. In the afternoons i’d sit down and pig out. It would start with something sweet then salty and wouldn’t stop until that void seemed full. Often it was like an out-of-body experience and when the day was done I felt remorseful but not sure how to fix things. The weight started to stick around my waist and face and I cried hard over it. Clothes didn’t fit and I withdrew. In a crowded room all I could think about was the people noticing my weight gain and how i couldn’t wait to get out of there. I feared what family would say and if they’d think less of me. I saw 300 lbs when I looked in the mirror and the stress of life fueled more days of binge eating. Then I’d make up my mind to lose the extra 30 lbs and work out, count calories, and hardly eat but I felt restricted and very unhappy so within a week i’d stop and go back to feeding lonely.
I went to the dollar store to pick up hand sanitizer but ended up with half a cart worth of junk food. I was ashamed but it didn’t stop me from going to a fast food restaurant to pick up a cheeseburger and fries. I hid the evidence when I came home. I couldn’t get enough of food and had no limits, it was very scary.
I knew something wasn’t right in me. I had all of the information on losing weight but the issues were deep inside and counting calories or going for a run didn’t heal the hurt. So i plucked away at the keys and searched the internet. I came to this website http://www.findingbalance.com/
For the first time in a year things made sense. I understood that there was a such thing as feeding lonely and binge eating was a real thing that a lot of people struggled with. I didn’t feel so alone. I began to pray hard that God would fill and heal this void.
I ordered a book by Candace Cameron Bure ”Reshaping it All”. The description explained she struggled with binge eating and had found freedom from it. When the book came and I couldn’t open it fast enough. I have been reading this book slowly as to take it all in and be encouraged. I LOVE it! I started to pour God’s word into my heart as well. I knew that if I was ever to have a healthy lifestyle it was going to require God at the forefront.
God’s hand does heal. I read story after story of Jesus healing the sick and broken and started to believe that when I asked him long ago in between sobs to heal me and bring me peace that he would do just that. I never imagined freedom to taste so sweet.
It started slowly but he taught me moderation. I could eat but didn’t have to over indulge. I could work out and not feel guilty if I didn’t run. Walking works too! It became clear that this weight loss was 10% exercise and 90% what I ate.
I haven’t stepped on the scale and probably won’t for awhile, maybe december? I trust that with wise choices and being more active my body will do me the favor of shedding the extra pounds that it didn’t want to carry around in the first place.
This isn’t easy by any means. Being an emotional eater doesn’t change overnight but my mind is focused on God’s truth and I desire to take care of the temple that the Holy Spirit resides in.
I don’t know where you find yourself with health but I pray it’s not in bondage to food or to health. Lets chase freedom together by putting God at the forefront of health.
There is a time to enjoy a sweet treat and a time to say, ‘no thank you’.
If you struggle with feeding lonely know that your sister here has been there and would love to hear from you! You are so not alone.