It’s taken me awhile to gather all of my thoughts but here they are.
After almost 3 years of trying to grow our family we finally gasped with joy when the pregnancy test read positive.
We celebrated. I hardly knew how to wait all those months until our baby would arrive safe in these arms. I thanked God over and over, told Him how full my heart was.
At the store I looked for a cute pair of baby socks but decided to wait until I could find something cuter. I couldn’t believe that finally these feet would stand in the baby isles again.
What beautiful moments those were.
We celebrated with family and decided to wait a little longer to share our happy news with everyone else.
Then one morning at 4am I woke up in terrible pain. I curled in and held my knees against my chest trying not to wake Darren. Later the blood came and as I searched hopeful stories, I knew this wasn’t right.
I cried in the bathroom.
No No No. Oh Lord, please no.
The pain continued to progress that day.
Trying to stay calm I called the nurse and she instructed me to head into the emergency room.
As I waited for Darren to get himself together I grabbed my journal and pen;
Tonight I don’t see the goodness of God in this and I’m so sorry for that….I’m going to be okay, I’m going to see the goodness of God in this pain but tonight i’m leaning into Him with eyes shut and cries pouring out. I can’t see anything.
We found the nearest emergency room. I placed the gown on and laid down on crinkly paper still hoping that my baby was going to be okay.
As the doctor returned each time she grew more gentle and finally came in and placed her hand on my knee as she confirmed our baby was gone.
I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t think. I was trying to be polite and assure the doctor that it was okay. .
Rising up I put my clothes back on and we slowly walked back to our car.
That was it. My sweet baby was gone.
* * *
My mother had me come to visit for a few days. I was loved well during my stay. That first night we sat in her craft room as she painted and I told her in tears how much I wanted this baby. The waves of emotion would come harder than I could have imagined.
It felt like a cruel joke.
I had learned how to trust God with infertility …but to be given a baby and then have it taken away was very different.
It’s still hard to gather my thoughts on this. I wanted an explanation for this loss but instead God has led me into a deeper understanding of Him and I have to tell you how much peace this has brought me.
With those closest to me I had shared through the tears how unloved I felt. It crushed me that God would allow such a strange and heartbreaking unfolding of His plan.
He stayed with me though.
Through flowers from friends, the tightest hugs i’ve ever received. With family and friends loving me incredibly well and giving me permission to hurt right in front of them, I could see where God was.
I wanted to see our baby grow through the years, more than I can put into words. It makes me sad that for whatever reason that wasn’t part of God’s plan.
Honestly there were moments when everything I held dear about the Lord seemed to be gone. When I could, this was the verse I preached to myself.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
It’s been difficult but I am trusting God in ways I didn’t before.
I decided to study the book of Job this last month and it’s been very painful to read. As much as I want to skip to the good part and ignore the suffering, i’m not.
This book really shows the time of mourning, hurt, sorrow, and pain Job went through. I don’t have any clue why in my mind I had thought Job jumped back with praises for God. There was a lot of dialogue in between.
One more thing and then I’ll let you go!
This time has allowed me to see the gift of my boy all over again.
I have loved these 4 years with my son. I don’t want to take motherhood for granted because it’s a great gift from God.
Thank you for praying. I have appreciated your notes of encouragement too!